Back to Work....Back to Incompetence.

School has begun and I started this school year on a positive note. I was given a better job placement-7th grade ELA and my students this year have been great so far. So, what could go wrong right?

Well, getting through the work week has gotten to be almost impossible  for me. This week I was out on Tuesday, Thursday, and Today. I am completely exhausted and unable to get the necessary rest. At night, my mind races with ideas, lists, problems, lesson plans, decorating ideas, etc. I fall asleep and my mind continues to race even while sleeping. When I wake up, I am exhausted and lying in sweat soaked sheets and I struggle with the decision of calling in sick or going to work. I argue with myself; telling myself that I need to go to work and then convincing myself that I need to rest. All the while, feeling completely overwhelmed by even the simplest of tasks: getting my kids dressed for school. This morning, I called my mom and told her to keep my 4 year old daughter at home instead of taking her to school, because I couldn't bring myself to get her dressed! What a bad mother Lupus has made me!

So, what could be causing this? I know that I haven't been taking Xanax before sleeping because I ran out and hadn't called the doctor for a refill. I called it in this afternoon, but I am certain that it is just the fact that I am working that is making me so sick. Right now, I feel somewhat good, but I slept all night and all day until 1:00 pm. It is insane that I need this much rest in order to have a few hours of normal. God help me!

Adults Don't Make Messes

 This week I was able to accomplish more things than I have in a long time! I planned for the 8th grade Prom and pulled it together, I played in the Powder Puff football game, I shopped for an outfit for my son for Prom, I took my daughter to her Saturday recital rehearsal, took my daughter to her recital on time, and helped my niece and another dancer get dressed backstage! I almost felt like the mom I used to be.

Of course, I couldn't make it to the actual Prom to chaperone because I was beat from the day and didn't take my daughter to her weekday rehearsals because I was tired from work. Every day, I go home and go straight to bed and rest. Then I eat dinner, in bed, and stay there until I have to go to work the next day. I had been feeling so depressed lately because I felt I was depriving my kids of a "normal mom". I mean, my mother has to come to my house every day to clean for me and my sister helps me out by taking my daughter to dance during the week, but my 4 year old daughter made me feel so much better.

She and my husband were both sitting with me in bed. My daughter was telling my husband how much she wanted to grow up and be an adult. Of course my husband told her he wanted her to stay his baby forever, and in order to convince him it would be a good idea, she said, "Adults don't make messes so then it would be good because I wouldn't make a mess anymore Daddy." I asked her why she thought adults don't make messes and she responded, "Adults come home and go straight to bed, take their medicines, watch TV and stay in bed so the never make messes."

I knew she was talking about me and immediately felt sad for my poor baby who thought all adults do what I do so I said to her, "You are talking about Mommy not all adults," and she responded, "That's okay Mommy, I love you! You are the best mommy in the world!" Somehow, she knew that I was sad and she said exactly what I needed to hear. She knows at four years old that I am sick and doing the best to be her Mom that I can. AND, she loves me and appreciates me all the same.

So, even though I am not the perfect mom, I am their perfect mom. I need help from others, but it doesn't make me less of a mom, or less of a woman. I know a lot of women with Lupus out there want to be the women they once were before Lupus, but it is not possible. What we have to do is stop trying to be what we were, and strive to be the best Mom with Lupus that we can be.

One Terrible Week Behind Me

Okay, so I had a terrible week last week. I hadn't even checked my Facebook in an entire week, that's how bad it was!

Last week started off okay, I went to work on Monday and thought everything was great. I was optimistic, but half way through the day my body started to betray me: I got the chills and then my body started to ache and I became extremely fatigued. So, I decided to skip lunch and take a quick power nap on one of the tables in my classroom. I didn't feel any better. The last two periods of the day, I literally fought off falling asleep at my desk while the kids read. By the time the bell rang at 3:15 p.m. I was running out of school WITH the students.

I went home that afternoon and passed out. The next day, I couldn't get out of bed, so I didn't go to work. Wednesday, I couldn't go to work and to tell the truth, I didn't want to. Aside from the crippling fatigue, I was experiencing terrible anxiety. Thursday-no work again. My husband told me that I was going to get fired and truthfully, I didn't care. That day, they started calling from Central Office asking for me to call Risk Management ASAP, so Friday I reluctantly went to work. That day I felt terrible too because I was sensing a migraine coming on, but I pushed through it. I did call Risk Management and the told me they were going to put me on temporary leave; this means that I have excessive absenses due to illness and it is "for my protection".

Okay, so by the end of the day I had a full on Migraine and it lasted 24 hours. The nightmare didn't end there. My whole family somehow aquired a stomach virus and we were all puking all over the place the entire weekend. Everyone was knocked out and I didn't get out of bed all weekend.

So, now it is Monday again and the sun has come out from behind the storm clouds. I am at work!!! Yay!!! I feel only slightly tired and on a scale from 1-10 my pain is at a 3. That is fantastic! I reached the light at the end of the tunnel. All I could do is pray that this reprieve lasts. Pray for me everyone.

Depression, Anxiety, and Lupus

Okay, so yesterday I didn't go to work, again, on a Monday. In case you didn't know, I teach middle school. Yes, that is enough to make any person not want to go to work, but I have been teaching for 15 years now and have never felt this way before. Sunday night I start to feel nervous, my chest feels tight, and my mind starts racing so much I get very little sleep, so I end up not going to work on Monday. I am starting to notice it has been getting progressively worse. The thought of going to work makes me sick.

At the beginning of the year, I had a particularly difficult class and I started to have all the symptoms of a heart attack and I even had my husband take me to the emergency room just to hear I was having a panic attack. You have to understand that this is just not me! I am a stable person and all of a sudden I have anxiety?!

So, the very next time I visited the rheumatologist, I spoke to her about my symptoms and I was prescribed Xanax and told to take it only when needed. The problem is I feel this way every single day I have to go to work. Now, isn't it bad enough that I have Lupus with all it's complications, Sjogren's Syndrome, Hypothyroidism, and Fibromyalgia, now I have to contend with mental health issues like anxiety?! What a bummer! This anxiety is making me depressed! (which I already take medication for by the way!)

So I am at work with my students today and once I get here it is not so bad, but getting here takes hours of talking to myself. I have to mentally drag my butt to work. It sounds strange but it is true. I lie in bed and tell myself, 'you need to get up', 'you are going to get fired,' 'think about the house,' and 'it won't be so bad just get up.'

Am I the only person with Lupus who is literally scared to go to work?!!!