Yesterday was a rough day. First, the counselor at our school moved a bunch of students into my morning Creative Writing class. It totally disrupted each class and immediately changed the vibe in my room; kids who were well behaved started acting out.
Then, when my toughest 8th grade study skills class came in with their usual antics, something just started feeling wrong. The kids were walking around, cussing, the norm, and when I tried to explain the assignment as I normally did, my chest started feeling tight and I couldn't catch my breath. I just walked out without saying a word.
Luckily, my husband's classroom was right next door. I just fell apart there in the hallway crying. I felt dizzy, numb, and short of breath. I went to the principal's office and I sat there crying. It was so humiliating. I have taught for 15 years and NEVER have had problems dealing with my students.
I went to the nurse's office and rested for a while. I thought I felt better so I returned to class. I had two more classes to teach and I did without incident, but I still felt tightness in my chest, my face was numb and tingly, and I still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Plus, my left shoulder started hurting. Of course I went straight to Google and the verdict was either panic\anxiety attack or heart attack.
I debated over it for an hour but I felt so out of sorts that I didn't want to take the chance. I asked my husband to take me to the ER. My husband hesitated because on Wednesdays we are not supposed to leave school until 4:30. I couldn't believe he was worried about that when I was scared I was having a heart attack! That's the thing about having Lupus, people look at me and think I'm perfectly fine. I assume they think I'm a hypochondriac.
Well, after I yelled at him, he took me seriously and drove me straight over like a good husband. They hooked me up quickly and started took my blood. They were nice; told me to wait for the doctor. My husband sat by my side and held my hand.
After about an hour, the doctor came in and asked about my meds...basically, why I took so many. It was painfully obvious she knew nothing about Lupus when she asked, "So Lupus attacks what exactly..mostly the skin right? Why do you take hydroxychloriquine? It's used mostly for people with organ involvement right?" Then she was confused when I told her my main symptom of Lupus was joint pain because I didn't have rheumatoid arthritis! Then she asked, "So what do you want me to do for you? The tests show it's not your heart." Then she just looked at me like I was making it all up.
I told her that all I knew was that I knew something was wrong with me and that I guessed I would see my rheumatologist for help. With that she said okay and walked out. I felt so upset sitting there next to my husband. The tears just streamed down my cheeks. Was I really crazy? A hypochondriac? No! I was sick! Something was wrong! It wasn't a heart attack, but having all these symptoms in the middle of my day is not FINE!
I walked out of there knowing I was not crazy reminded of the 10 years and countless doctors I went to who told me that I was fine. Then, little by little I all came to light. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my early twenties, then hypothyroidism, then finally last year Lupus. Shortly after came fybromyalgia and Sjogren's.
I was almost relieved even though since then I've only gotten worse. I felt better because at least I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew that something was attacking me from the inside out. I always knew it just took time for everyone else.
I will leave you with one last quote: "It's like you WANT to have Lupus!" That's what my mom would say when I insisted I knew my symptoms matched this illness. It's hard to believe something is wrong with someone when they look perfectly normal.
