Suprise!

If I could say one thing positive thing about Lupus it is that it is never boring and predictable. I am surprised by new symptoms every day. It never ceases to surprise me.

Last night, aside from being exhausted and achy, I started to get extreme pain in my collarbone; actually radiated from my collarbone to my shoulder joint. I took my usual pain fighter-hydrocodone-and not only did it not go away, but it only got worse. The only way I could explain this pain, is that it was similar to the pain I felt about an hour after I broke my arm: you know, a shooting, stabbing pain that radiates?

You would think that I would be used to aches and pains by now, but it actually scared me. I sat in bed and cried on my husband's shoulder: one, because it hurt of course, but two because it was so much pain it just scared me thinking that it could potentially get worse! Well, I drugged myself with pain killers and anti-anxiety medication and I finally went to bed.

On the bright side, I actually went to work (woo hoo!) and I felt pretty good. I even had enough energy to have a UIL Poetry and Prose meeting AND a student council meeting after school! Just a glimpse of the old me: a woman who could come up with innovative lessons at work, meet with the kids after-school, run home   and pick up the kids, take them all to their respective practices, get home feed them, and then after all that, bathe them and put them to bed with a good book.

Nowadays, I feed the kids in the dining room, but I eat in bed. I don't always get them to ballet or soccer, and if I don't fall asleep, I help with homework in my bed. I have to hope and pray that I will get better soon, because if I don't, I don't know how I can continue. What everyone should know about people with Lupus is that it takes an enormous amount of effort to do the smallest and easiest things: getting out of bed, taking a bath, going to the grocery store, washing, cooking, putting on my make-up, getting dressed, etc. If you know anyone with Lupus, please don't feel sorry about it, just understand it.

A Bad Day

I missed another day at work. Last night I couldn't sleep from the sharp pains in my stomach. I was vomiting and shaking on the floor of the bathroom at 2 in the morning. By the time I fell asleep it was time to go to work. I just couldn't work. I didn't even have the strength to leave an assignment for my students.

I feel like such a bad mother and wife and teacher. I couldn't get up and get my kids dressed for school. I have to say that every time I think I have a handle on this disease it kicks my ass to remind me it is in control. Now hydrocodone no longer keeps the pain in my hips tolerable. No matter what I take they ache and I have to sleep half the day to do anything. I am so tired I don't want to take a bath. I don't want to get out of my bed ever.

I feel like shit!

It is pretty much the only thing that clearly expresses how I feel today...and all weekend for that matter!

I call this the hypochondriac's disease only because that is the look I get from people when I talk to them about how I feel. I have everything! If you have arthritis, I have it in every joint in my body including my chest (costochondritis, the doctor called it)! I have a bladder infection, my gums are infected, I have a sinus infection, and something is wrong with my digestion! I have been throwing up my food because it feels like it just won't digest. 

So, I pretty much was in bed and the restroom all weekend. I hate that I can't be an active member of my family and it breaks my heart that I can't be the mother and wife they deserve. Friday, I couldn't and didn't get out of bed; therefore, no one went to school...again! I feel like a heavy sack of pain and misery.

On the bright side, I forced myself to go to work today and I survived through the day with only one minor blow up with a kid. I have to count my blessings in order to get through. I have 5 healthy kids, a husband who hasn't run for the hills yet, and an illness that could be a lot worse!