Firstly, I haven't blogged for years for many reasons but the top two are: one, I lost my ability to focus and think and two, I got tired of complaining and feeling like no one cared. But, lately I have been thinking I really need to continue blogging if only for awareness. I still run into ER doctors who truly do not understand lupus at all.
I want to talk about lupus and weight gain mostly because I have gained so much weight since I was diagnosed. I went to dinner last night and looked in the mirror and freaked out. I look awful!
I typically spend most of my time at home and in bed and if I go out once a week it is a lot so I typically never really look in a full length mirror. I've been in a kind of depression the past couple of years. I can no longer work as a teacher. When I try to exercise, I feel awful for days. So, I send my kids to school in the morning and call it a victory. Then I go to bed and go back to sleep. I bingewatch shows. I read sometimes...not enough because again I can no longer focus. So, that has been my life.
When I saw my my reflection yesterday it shocked me in to action. I went walking after dinner for 30 minutes last night and tonight. That seems like nothing, but to me it is big! But, I know what is coming tomorrow or the day after...a flare that will bring me to my knees but this time I am going to push through. I must. I am obese when I never have been. Most people with lupus die of heart disease and I am now 47 and have cholesterol. It has become a life and death decision. I must stay with it not just because I am overweight but perhaps it will keep the myriad of symptoms at bay. Maybe it will help my depression. Maybe I will be able to teach again. It is a lot of maybe's...God help me.
