Looks like I made it!

This week I made it through an entire week at work without taking a day off! This might not seem like a big deal to most, but people with lupus know how difficult little things are. I wanted to call in so badly, but I talked myself into going to work; literally sitting on the edge of my bed at 5:30 am talking to myself out loud: "You could do this! You could take it easy! Do what you can! You could rest all weekend!"

The bad thing is that I couldn't and didn't take my daughter to gymnastics on Friday or dance on Saturday because I was so tired. Living with Lupus is a damn game of choices and trade-offs: do I pay the bills or spend time with my kids?

Well, it's Sunday today and it's turned out to be a pretty good day. I watched a movie with my husband in bed, I got out of bed and cleaned the kitchen and living room, and I actually had a meal with the family instead of in bed. All in all, a good day.

My bed...

I didn't go to work yesterday because I couldn't get out of bed even though I had come home from work the day before and gone straight to bed. So many hours of rest and my body hurt like I had been hit by a car. Now it's Saturday and I'm still in bed! I wanted to take my daughter to dance and no matter how much I tried to talk myself into it, I couldn't do it! I am still lying in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy.

It is depressing to lie here in my bed while my house is a mess and my kids play around me. I read to my daughter in bed. I help my son do his homework in bed. I even eat in this bed. All the while, every joint in my body aches, my chest hurts when I breathe, and I am so damn tired no matter how much I rest.  Ironically, this prison that is my bed is also the only place I feel any relief. I need rest and more rest. It hurts my heart that I can't be the mother and wife they need, but I need rest.

I Love My Husband, But He Sucks!

This week was difficult because I ran out of all my pain meds at once! I didn't have Vicodin, or Celebrex, or Tramadol! I never knew how much I depened on those drugs; it kind of makes me feel like a druggie! Monday, the pharmacy was closed and due to miscomunication between my rheumatologist and Walgreen's I didn't get them until Friday. I didn't sleep all week! Let me just say that Tylenol and Advil do not help nor work! The pain I was feeling was sharp, stabbing, shooting pain that ran from my shoulder to my wrist. I pretty much went to work and came home and went to bed to try and sleep.

This is where my husband comes in. I was in such pain all week but I still washed clothes for him and my family, I still  ironed his dress clothes, and picked up all my kids after school. I even took my daughter to dance and gymnastics! BUT, my husband had the nerve to tell me that all I do is choose to sit in bed and ignore him! Really! Wow, after being diagnosed with Lupus over a year ago and he still knows nothing about my illness; either that or he doesn't care! Are men really that selfish?

I don't know what to do or how I fix this?! I have tried to sit withhim and explain how I feel. I have tried getting angry. I am at a loss and I am just sad.

Nobody is reading this blog but I don't care!

I started writing this blog shortly after I was diagnosed with Lupus and I was super gung ho about writing at the time. So, I wrote two posts and stopped. Well, a whole year has gone by and I am going to start this thing again.

Now, one thing I realized is that nobody is reading my blog and I have come to the realization that I don't care. It is somewhat healing to write my feelings down and vent even if noone reads it. What are you going to do?!

Lupus is back like a vengeance right on time with going back to work. I thought I had gotten enough rest during my summer break but no I was wrong. After only 9 days of work, I had to take a day off. Horrible...mostly since my boss the principal has already warned me about taking too many days off as if I hang around at home having pina coladas and watching soaps!

Well, I woke up at 5:30 am and realized that I couldn't move! I couldn't get out of bed. It took every ounce of strength to get out of bed to dress my kids and call in sick and then I just fell in bed and woke up at 4 p.m. Then my hubby came home from work and said, "You shouldn't have stayed home..they gave us breakfast tacos in the morning." Now, this is what truly pisses me off about anyone who doesn't have Lupus! Somehow in his head he figures that I chose to stay home to relax or something.

He just doesn't understand that I don't choose. My body does. One day I feel fine..as if I am a normal mom on the go and then the next day I wake up feeling like I was in a car accident; every muscle aches, my joints feel like they are on fire, and it seems like I am wearing a cement night gown!

I hope someone out there decided to read my blog sometime soon because being completely honest, it does bother me a tiny bit that nobody reads this. Just a little!