Another Weekend in Bed

I didn't go to work Thursday or Friday. I literally couldn't get out of bed. My poor little ones played around me on the bed and on the floor in my room. My son is 5 and I couldn't get him dressed to get on the school bus to go to school. My daughter is 4 and usually stays with my parents during the day, but since I stayed home, she stayed with me.

They are so good kids! At such a young age they know and understand I don't feel well and act accordingly. At one point I woke up and found them both lying on my bed: one with a tablet and the other playing games on my phone. When they noticed I was awake one of them said, "Oh, mommy, did you get enough rest? Do you feel better?" All the while, my daughter rubbed my back they way I usually do when they don't feel good. This is what it has come to? My little ones taking care of me instead of the other way around?! Then I got up and made them lunch and they were still asking if I was okay to get up and make them food. Can you believe that?! It hurts my heart that I can't be the mom I used to be and should be for them.

So, I stayed in bed for 4 days. My husband was so great this weekend. We had tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters and took the kids on his own because of course I was too tired to go, and Sunday he took the older boys paint-balling all day.

So today, I came to work and had a good day...not great but good. I felt like a normal human being. It feels good. It's amazing how great it feels to be out of my bed, because although staying in bed getting much needed rest is something that I desperately need, It also makes me feel so isolated and depressed. 

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Okay, so fast forward to today, Wednesday, January 23, at 3:15 a.m. I was fully intending to make this blog post somewhat positive and inspiring; you know, that we could overcome and all that crap, but as soon as I got home from work and picked up the kids, I fell into what seemed like a coma for hours. I felt like a car hit me and I was broken everywhere, so I did not go to work AGAIN! I am back to my prison that is my damn bed. 

So I spent another day in bed. I couldn't sleep all night from pain and anxiety, and then slept all day until 3:30 when my son was dropped off by the bus from school. I have to tell all of you that this Lupus is kicking my ass! I am losing myself and I can't dig myself out of this hole. I am depressed and anxious and I don't know what to do. Does anyone know what to do? Any suggestions?