Finding a Job

I have worked as a teacher for 17 years; 15 of those at the same middle school. When I first got diagnosed I realized that I needed to make changes so I asked my principal to be moved to a less stressful position. Now, if you don't know how most schools work, subjects that are tested are the most stressful and difficult mostly because a teachers success or failure impacts the rest of the school. So, the principals micromanage every move we make while other non-testing subjects are left alone to just teach.

 Anyway, the principal decided to move me into an elective called "Study Skills" where they took the lowest performing kids in 6th, 7th and 8th grade in my class so I could tutor them. Instead of teaching 5 classes a day they gave me 6; well, actually 12 in a two day cycle. I had 4 6th grade classes, 4th grade classes, and 28th grade classes of student who didn't "elect" to be in my class and were pretty much the worst behaved students in the school. Oh, and they took away a planning period.

Well, you could only guess that this year really brought the lupus out with a vengeance. I went to my principal again with information on lupus and begged to be moved to another position and he moved me to 7th grade ELA where the students have to take and pass a reading, writing, and grammar test. I have always been able to handle everything and anything but I started calling in sick way more often than they liked. By Christmas break, I knew I had to do something and when my coworkers started insinuating that I was faking, I decided to take the administration's suggestion to take a sick leave. I was out from January to the end of April.

 Then whole time I was thinking that I needed to return but they replaced me on week after I took my leave so the district placed me in an elementary school for the month of May. I was placed in a Read 180 position which was absolutely perfect for me. I was so excited because I was in a job I could handle. I was working with 4-6 students at a time for about 45 minutes. It was perfect because of my limitations but also because of my qualifications. I have 27 graduate hours in Reading so I felt God was opening another window for me. I was shocked when the principal of the school told me she had no job for me because she already had someone in mind for my job. That was it...the district then sent me back to 7th grade ELA again.

The next school year, which was 2014-2015, I only made it to October of course. My lupus was out of control. By this time, I had gotten diagnosed with fibromyalgia and Sjogren's Syndrome as well.
I went straight to Central Office and begged them for a compatible job even accepting a job as a teacher assistant but they never called me back. Then one day in April I received a letter stating I was fired and had lost my insurance....oh, and they sent my 15 year award with my husband.

Since then, I have been so depressed. I can barely get out of bed because of the pain but I know that the depression makes things so much worse. Here I am, 41 years old, and I feel thrown away. My family is struggling to keep up with our bill since I am on disability insurance and they pay me so much less. My insurance is about to run out so I am desperately applying for jobs in the closest three cities. I am applying for jobs as a teacher aide or a computer lab assistant. I applied for a job as a part-time tutor, but I have only been called back for one interview and they have filled the jobs I am overqualified for without even allowing me to interview!

What is going on here?! I feel that these districts are not calling me because they know I have a disabling disease through my past employer. Could this be the end of my career? I don't know what to do but keep applying, sending out emails, and calling the schools personally but it stinks that they hired one of my former students as a teacher with 0 years experience and I wasn't even interviewed.

If anyone thinks that people living with lupus or fibromyalgia ask for disability to get money out of the government, I hope this changes your point of view. I have to live with pain every day of  my life and now I have no way to make a living. I feel like an empty shell of my former vibrant, energetic and successful self.

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I am in pain; so much pain. I googled pain and this is the image that came up that pretty much summed it all up. My head is throbbing, my shoulders and neck in spasms, my hips are inflamed, my back is shooting bolts of lightning up my spine and down my leg as well as the pinching in my butt, and last but not least, my knees aching so much I could barely stand. I know I am getting old, I am forty, but I feel like an 80 year old woman.

This week, I tried to explain to my boss how this disease- no it should be THESE diseases- affect my ability to go to work. He looked at me and TOLD me he understood but then immediately after stated it was important I attended extended day planning every Wednesday. For those of you who don't teach, this is like after school tutoring for teachers. We are herded into a classroom while they watch us do our homework. Anyway, I was sitting in his office telling him how my body was not able to tolerate being at work longer than the regular work day-that I needed to go home immediately after the end of the school day so I could rest and be able to return to work the next day, but after my whole song and dance he still asked for me to stay after work not only for extended day but for duty.

It is frustrating! These past two years I have figured out that every time I stay at work past 4 or insisted on doing something after work, I have been unable to get out of bed the next day. This school year, I have already been out 1 and a 1/2 days. One day was the day after "Meet the Teacher Night" and the 1/2 day was after my Thursday duty where I come in early and leave late. It is really so stressful for me because I pride myself in being a good teacher, but when I can't get out of bed, I can't get out of bed. 

Oh well, I think I am just going to be a bad teacher and not show up for duty and leave right after school ends because in the long run, my health and the time I spend with my students is the most important thing. To hell with the extended day planning!

I Fell Off the Face of the Earth

I hadn't written in my blog because I lost my job. It really shouldn't have been so devastating, but when a person is a teacher it becomes a big part of his/her identity. I was invested in my school and my kids (students). I had worked at the same middle school for 13 years.

To make a long, long story short, the principal tricked me into taking a medical leave and promised me I would have my position when I returned and it was a big lie. He involved my friends and coworkers and it was ugly.My own friends had gone to show my boss posts I had made on Facebook insinuating I wasn't really sick. I felt betrayed by my so-called friends/coworkers and my administrators, because I am a great teacher even with my illness. My students were outperforming the other students in the grade level but because I had missed some days and I have lupus, they felt they needed to find another teacher to replace me. Now, I still work for the district, but when I return I have no idea what school or city I will be working in. My district encompasses three cities.

This happened the day I returned from Christmas break and I haven't returned to work since. I cried for about a month. I unfriended all my coworkers from Facebook and then refriended some. Finally, three months later, I feel I can write again.

As far as my health, this incident has only made things worse. I am pretty much bed-ridden 24/7. I would say I leave the house 1-2 times a week at best. My mom comes to my house every day and help clean up and feeds me and my little ones. I don't know what I would have done without her these past few months. My body is going into free fall. I am in pain almost every minute of the day and the pain meds are not even touching the pain. I started seeing a new doctor-I drive 6 hours because she is in Houston-and she found I am extremely anemic and am testing positive for scleroderma. Wow, on top of having hypothyroidism, lupus, sjorgren's syndrome, and fibromyalgia, my body is adding scleroderma.

I am not trying to be a downer, but that is life with lupus...at least it is for me!

Depression, Anxiety, and Lupus

Okay, so yesterday I didn't go to work, again, on a Monday. In case you didn't know, I teach middle school. Yes, that is enough to make any person not want to go to work, but I have been teaching for 15 years now and have never felt this way before. Sunday night I start to feel nervous, my chest feels tight, and my mind starts racing so much I get very little sleep, so I end up not going to work on Monday. I am starting to notice it has been getting progressively worse. The thought of going to work makes me sick.

At the beginning of the year, I had a particularly difficult class and I started to have all the symptoms of a heart attack and I even had my husband take me to the emergency room just to hear I was having a panic attack. You have to understand that this is just not me! I am a stable person and all of a sudden I have anxiety?!

So, the very next time I visited the rheumatologist, I spoke to her about my symptoms and I was prescribed Xanax and told to take it only when needed. The problem is I feel this way every single day I have to go to work. Now, isn't it bad enough that I have Lupus with all it's complications, Sjogren's Syndrome, Hypothyroidism, and Fibromyalgia, now I have to contend with mental health issues like anxiety?! What a bummer! This anxiety is making me depressed! (which I already take medication for by the way!)

So I am at work with my students today and once I get here it is not so bad, but getting here takes hours of talking to myself. I have to mentally drag my butt to work. It sounds strange but it is true. I lie in bed and tell myself, 'you need to get up', 'you are going to get fired,' 'think about the house,' and 'it won't be so bad just get up.'

Am I the only person with Lupus who is literally scared to go to work?!!!

Nobody is reading this blog but I don't care!

I started writing this blog shortly after I was diagnosed with Lupus and I was super gung ho about writing at the time. So, I wrote two posts and stopped. Well, a whole year has gone by and I am going to start this thing again.

Now, one thing I realized is that nobody is reading my blog and I have come to the realization that I don't care. It is somewhat healing to write my feelings down and vent even if noone reads it. What are you going to do?!

Lupus is back like a vengeance right on time with going back to work. I thought I had gotten enough rest during my summer break but no I was wrong. After only 9 days of work, I had to take a day off. Horrible...mostly since my boss the principal has already warned me about taking too many days off as if I hang around at home having pina coladas and watching soaps!

Well, I woke up at 5:30 am and realized that I couldn't move! I couldn't get out of bed. It took every ounce of strength to get out of bed to dress my kids and call in sick and then I just fell in bed and woke up at 4 p.m. Then my hubby came home from work and said, "You shouldn't have stayed home..they gave us breakfast tacos in the morning." Now, this is what truly pisses me off about anyone who doesn't have Lupus! Somehow in his head he figures that I chose to stay home to relax or something.

He just doesn't understand that I don't choose. My body does. One day I feel fine..as if I am a normal mom on the go and then the next day I wake up feeling like I was in a car accident; every muscle aches, my joints feel like they are on fire, and it seems like I am wearing a cement night gown!

I hope someone out there decided to read my blog sometime soon because being completely honest, it does bother me a tiny bit that nobody reads this. Just a little!