Depression, Anxiety, and Lupus

Okay, so yesterday I didn't go to work, again, on a Monday. In case you didn't know, I teach middle school. Yes, that is enough to make any person not want to go to work, but I have been teaching for 15 years now and have never felt this way before. Sunday night I start to feel nervous, my chest feels tight, and my mind starts racing so much I get very little sleep, so I end up not going to work on Monday. I am starting to notice it has been getting progressively worse. The thought of going to work makes me sick.

At the beginning of the year, I had a particularly difficult class and I started to have all the symptoms of a heart attack and I even had my husband take me to the emergency room just to hear I was having a panic attack. You have to understand that this is just not me! I am a stable person and all of a sudden I have anxiety?!

So, the very next time I visited the rheumatologist, I spoke to her about my symptoms and I was prescribed Xanax and told to take it only when needed. The problem is I feel this way every single day I have to go to work. Now, isn't it bad enough that I have Lupus with all it's complications, Sjogren's Syndrome, Hypothyroidism, and Fibromyalgia, now I have to contend with mental health issues like anxiety?! What a bummer! This anxiety is making me depressed! (which I already take medication for by the way!)

So I am at work with my students today and once I get here it is not so bad, but getting here takes hours of talking to myself. I have to mentally drag my butt to work. It sounds strange but it is true. I lie in bed and tell myself, 'you need to get up', 'you are going to get fired,' 'think about the house,' and 'it won't be so bad just get up.'

Am I the only person with Lupus who is literally scared to go to work?!!!

Is Christmas Over Yet?

I spent all week waiting for Friday. Friday was my last day of work (school) and now that I have reached my goal, I have now been hit with a realization: I am too tired to keep climbing this mountain called Christmas.

Today I couldn't get out of bed all day and Christmas is right around the corner and I have a my daughter's 4th birthday party tomorrow. I mustered up some energy at around 5 pm  and I made it to two stores to buy decorations and goody bag stuff but then I just fell into bed. My son was waiting for me because he wanted to go to the mall to get basketball shoes and an earring. Now, I'm not sure why I agreed to let him have an earring at 15; maybe it's the Lupus clouding my judgement or I was too tired to keep fighting him! Anyway, I had to send my husband instead because I am in bed and can't get up. 

So now what do I do? I sit in bed and think about all the things I need to do tomorrow after I "rest" and it is preventing me from resting! Aaagh! I have this list racing through my head at warp speed:

1. Make goody bags

2. What are the kids going to wear to the party?

3. I have to wash! 

4. What am I going to wear to the party?

5. I have to wash!

6. I need to buy figurines for the cake.

7. I have to finish shopping for Christmas presents.

8. I have to wrap all the presents.

9. Damn, I forgot I need to also buy cookies for the party.

10. Forget washing, stop by the store and buy kids some shirts!

11. Make bow for Cailey's birthday party.

12. What else am I forgetting?!!

I am quite overwhelmed with Christmas this year. I actually feel like lying in bed under the covers and skipping Christmas. Really! It would be wonderful to not have to go anywhere or do anything. Unfortunately that is not possible. There are parties to attend and family to see. I don't think they would understand if I stayed in bed, no, in fact I know they wouldn't. I find I have to keep reminding people that I am not sick temporarily, but chronically sick. Even my own husband sometimes asks me, "What's wrong?" Oh, it drives me crazy! What the hell does he think is wrong?! I have Lupus damn it, everything is wrong!

I love Christmas, really, but just like I was waiting for the day that school let out for Christmas break, I am waiting for Christmas to be over! Maybe I could finally actually REST.

Have a Merry Restful Christmas everyone!