Are you pregnant?

Ever since I was diagnosed with Lupus and started taking an assortment of drugs, some of which claim to cause weight gain AND weight loss, I started gaining a ton of weight. And, by a ton of weight, I mean a little over 20 lbs. Now in the vast spectrum of things to complain about, this should be the least of my worries, but today one of my students asked if I was going to have a baby! That has never, ever, ever happened to me EVER in my life and it shouldn't have, but it really depressed me! 

I mean, shoot, I have to deal with the skin rashes, mouth ulcers, thinning hair, arthritis, dry mouth, crippling fatigue, muscle aches, severe joint pain, chest pains, dry skin, digestive problems, forgetfulness, depression, and anxiety. Now you could add looking like a pregnant woman! Now all I need is for someone to rub my belly and ask when I'm due. Wow!

I Feel Like a Hypochondriac!

Yesterday was a rough day. First, the counselor at our school moved a bunch of students into my morning Creative Writing class. It totally disrupted each class and immediately changed the vibe in my room; kids who were well behaved started acting out.
Then, when my toughest 8th grade study skills class came in with their usual antics, something just started feeling wrong. The kids were walking around, cussing, the norm, and when I tried to explain the assignment as I normally did, my chest started feeling tight and I couldn't catch my breath. I just walked out without saying a word.
Luckily, my husband's classroom was right next door. I just fell apart there in the hallway crying. I felt dizzy, numb, and short of breath. I went to the principal's office and I sat there crying. It was so humiliating. I have taught for 15 years and NEVER have had problems dealing with my students.
I went to the nurse's office and rested for a while. I thought I felt better so I returned to class. I had two more classes to teach and I did without incident, but I still felt tightness in my chest, my face was numb and tingly, and I still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Plus, my left shoulder started hurting. Of course I went straight to Google and the verdict was either panic\anxiety attack or heart attack.
I debated over it for an hour but I felt so out of sorts that I didn't want to take the chance. I asked my husband to take me to the ER. My husband hesitated because on Wednesdays we are not supposed to leave school until 4:30. I couldn't believe he was worried about that when I was scared I was having a heart attack! That's the thing about having Lupus, people look at me and think I'm perfectly fine. I assume they think I'm a hypochondriac.
Well, after I yelled at him, he took me seriously and drove me straight over like a good husband. They hooked me up quickly and started took my blood. They were nice; told me to wait for the doctor.  My husband sat by my side and held my hand.
After about an hour, the doctor came in and asked about my meds...basically, why I took so many. It was painfully obvious she knew nothing about Lupus when she asked, "So Lupus attacks what exactly..mostly the skin right? Why do you take hydroxychloriquine? It's used mostly for people with organ involvement right?" Then she was confused when I told her my main symptom of Lupus was joint pain because I didn't have rheumatoid arthritis! Then she asked, "So what do you want me to do for you? The tests show it's not your heart." Then she just looked at me like I was making it all up.
I told her that all I knew was that I knew something was wrong with me and that I guessed I would see my rheumatologist for help. With that she said okay and walked out. I felt so upset sitting there next to my husband. The tears just streamed down my cheeks. Was I really crazy? A hypochondriac? No! I was sick! Something was wrong! It wasn't a heart attack, but having all these symptoms in the middle of my day is not FINE!
I walked out of there knowing I was not crazy reminded of the 10 years and countless doctors I went to who told me that I was fine. Then, little by little I all came to light. I was diagnosed with arthritis in my early twenties, then hypothyroidism, then finally last year Lupus. Shortly after came fybromyalgia and Sjogren's.
I was almost relieved even though since then I've only gotten worse. I felt better because at least I knew I wasn't crazy. I knew that something was attacking me from the inside out. I always knew it just took time for everyone else.
I will leave you with one last quote: "It's like you WANT to have Lupus!" That's what my mom would say when I insisted I knew my symptoms matched this illness. It's hard to believe something is wrong with someone when they look perfectly normal.

I Spoke Too Soon!

AndThis weekend was pretty good for someone with Lupus. I left the house a couple of times and my symptoms were mild to moderate...so I BLOGGED or shall I say BRAGGED about it and the next thing I know, I have this 24 hour migraine and I had to miss work. I guess I jinxed it!

Now, I am at the doctor's office getting immunization shots for my 5 year old and I want to pound my head against the marble counter to stop the throbbing. Does that even make sense? And, a poor baby in the next room is screaming so loudly the poor thing but it is making the headache so much worse. And, I couldn't remember where I put my son's immunization record so they have to find all his previous records before they give him his immunizations so I'm stuck in this room waiting! The kicker is that I remember putting th record away in a "safe place" so I wouldn't lose it but my mind is mush and I can't remember! Sometimes I feel like I am getting early alzheimer's but I guess it's just the damn Lupus!

Looks like I made it!

This week I made it through an entire week at work without taking a day off! This might not seem like a big deal to most, but people with lupus know how difficult little things are. I wanted to call in so badly, but I talked myself into going to work; literally sitting on the edge of my bed at 5:30 am talking to myself out loud: "You could do this! You could take it easy! Do what you can! You could rest all weekend!"

The bad thing is that I couldn't and didn't take my daughter to gymnastics on Friday or dance on Saturday because I was so tired. Living with Lupus is a damn game of choices and trade-offs: do I pay the bills or spend time with my kids?

Well, it's Sunday today and it's turned out to be a pretty good day. I watched a movie with my husband in bed, I got out of bed and cleaned the kitchen and living room, and I actually had a meal with the family instead of in bed. All in all, a good day.

My bed...

I didn't go to work yesterday because I couldn't get out of bed even though I had come home from work the day before and gone straight to bed. So many hours of rest and my body hurt like I had been hit by a car. Now it's Saturday and I'm still in bed! I wanted to take my daughter to dance and no matter how much I tried to talk myself into it, I couldn't do it! I am still lying in my bed watching Grey's Anatomy.

It is depressing to lie here in my bed while my house is a mess and my kids play around me. I read to my daughter in bed. I help my son do his homework in bed. I even eat in this bed. All the while, every joint in my body aches, my chest hurts when I breathe, and I am so damn tired no matter how much I rest.  Ironically, this prison that is my bed is also the only place I feel any relief. I need rest and more rest. It hurts my heart that I can't be the mother and wife they need, but I need rest.

I Love My Husband, But He Sucks!

This week was difficult because I ran out of all my pain meds at once! I didn't have Vicodin, or Celebrex, or Tramadol! I never knew how much I depened on those drugs; it kind of makes me feel like a druggie! Monday, the pharmacy was closed and due to miscomunication between my rheumatologist and Walgreen's I didn't get them until Friday. I didn't sleep all week! Let me just say that Tylenol and Advil do not help nor work! The pain I was feeling was sharp, stabbing, shooting pain that ran from my shoulder to my wrist. I pretty much went to work and came home and went to bed to try and sleep.

This is where my husband comes in. I was in such pain all week but I still washed clothes for him and my family, I still  ironed his dress clothes, and picked up all my kids after school. I even took my daughter to dance and gymnastics! BUT, my husband had the nerve to tell me that all I do is choose to sit in bed and ignore him! Really! Wow, after being diagnosed with Lupus over a year ago and he still knows nothing about my illness; either that or he doesn't care! Are men really that selfish?

I don't know what to do or how I fix this?! I have tried to sit withhim and explain how I feel. I have tried getting angry. I am at a loss and I am just sad.

Nobody is reading this blog but I don't care!

I started writing this blog shortly after I was diagnosed with Lupus and I was super gung ho about writing at the time. So, I wrote two posts and stopped. Well, a whole year has gone by and I am going to start this thing again.

Now, one thing I realized is that nobody is reading my blog and I have come to the realization that I don't care. It is somewhat healing to write my feelings down and vent even if noone reads it. What are you going to do?!

Lupus is back like a vengeance right on time with going back to work. I thought I had gotten enough rest during my summer break but no I was wrong. After only 9 days of work, I had to take a day off. Horrible...mostly since my boss the principal has already warned me about taking too many days off as if I hang around at home having pina coladas and watching soaps!

Well, I woke up at 5:30 am and realized that I couldn't move! I couldn't get out of bed. It took every ounce of strength to get out of bed to dress my kids and call in sick and then I just fell in bed and woke up at 4 p.m. Then my hubby came home from work and said, "You shouldn't have stayed home..they gave us breakfast tacos in the morning." Now, this is what truly pisses me off about anyone who doesn't have Lupus! Somehow in his head he figures that I chose to stay home to relax or something.

He just doesn't understand that I don't choose. My body does. One day I feel fine..as if I am a normal mom on the go and then the next day I wake up feeling like I was in a car accident; every muscle aches, my joints feel like they are on fire, and it seems like I am wearing a cement night gown!

I hope someone out there decided to read my blog sometime soon because being completely honest, it does bother me a tiny bit that nobody reads this. Just a little!